It can be quite shocking.
Sudden.
Unplanned. Or partially planned. Or maybe fully planned.
But that doesn’t stop the surprise and grief that comes when it’s actually time.
I’ve felt, for the longest time, that I would simply know and have a settled feeling about it. My heart would be at peace with the change of seasons. And, it is, for the most part. There are some days when I am totally fine with not being pregnant again, ever, and then there are other days I am not sure I’m ready to be done.
It has been frustrating, this flip-flopping back and forth, but perhaps it is all part of the process of moving on. Like a raindrop falling into a puddle of water, and the circles that ripple out, each circle is an echo of the original, but each becomes fainter as it moves away.
I have been so blessed to able to bear children! It was a dream of mine since I was little, and that makes it even harder to let it go. However, that dream has been achieved and now must be laid to rest. So, here goes!
“Father, thank you so much for the honor and privilege of bearing Your children, of being a portal from Heaven to Earth. Thank you so much for the health of my body and the strength and stamina You have provided. Thank you for my womb and all that it has done. I bless my body for the amazing work it has done and I praise and thank You for all of the love and blessings You have given me through it. You are SO good! I surrender my body and my womb to you, and I lay this childhood dream of mine at Your feet. Thank you for keeping it safe. I love you so much. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
See, I believe there is no higher calling* for me, as a woman, than to bear children and to raise them to know Jesus personally. People are the real gold, and I am RICH!!! Jesus gave me six amazing miracle babies and I am so happy with my treasure trove. They are far more amazing than I ever could have thought up, and I am so happy to be their mama.
*(Side note, while I believe that motherhood is one of the highest callings a woman can possess, I also firmly believe that we have multiple callings that will use all of the talents and dreams we have inside of us.)
This journey was not without its dark places.
Seven miscarriages, one of which was a set of twins, so that makes eight Heaven Babies. In total, I have 14 children! Is that amazing or WHAT?!
Postpartum depression and even antenatal depression (depression while pregnant), and being brought to the very end of myself multiple times, but God was always there to catch me. I never was truly alone, ever. It didn’t always feel that way, but His faithfulness didn’t rely on my feelings and I am SO glad.
Almost losing a child after he was born. Praise the Lord, He brought my son back to me!
There are many other stories, but for the sake of time, let’s move on.
I have loved being pregnant (although the morning sickness was not my favorite, to say the least). Looking down and seeing my rounded belly and knowing there was another human being inside was incredible.
My most favorite part was when I could feel the kicks and swooshes as the little one moved and swam around. To top that off, when that baby moved in response to my voice or my husband’s voice, that was a feeling like no other. Pure joy!
Labor was interesting. I was terrified of it at first, especially with my first baby, since I’d never done it before. I don’t like being in pain, and I was afraid of how much pain I might need to go through to finally hold my baby.
It was during that first pregnancy that a friend of mine told me I would “love labor.” I thought she was nuts! But, after having a few babies, I think I understand. Labor is the amazing time when I get to actually “do” something and hold my baby when it’s over.
I’ve had various kinds of birthing experiences. Natural hospital birth, home birth, home water births, and finally, an induction and natural delivery of my twins in the OR (operating room). What a ride!
None of my labors went the way I expected or necessarily hoped. I think I learned that having a birthing plan is a good thing, but to hold it very loosely.
Birthing a baby is always an adventure, and with that comes unpredictability.
The best piece of advice I could give regarding birth is, get as informed as you possibly can (I LOVE “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth” by Ina May Gaskin), read/listen to positive birth stories, make your list of birthing preferences, and then put it all in Jesus’ hands. He knows you, He knows your baby(ies), and He knows how it will all work best for all of you when the time comes.
Being a somewhat curious person, I wanted to try different types of labors and births. I think I can check that off of my bucket list now!
Pushing twins out in the OR (one was head first and the other was a breech extraction) is definitely at the top of my list for birthing adventures. I’m glad I did it. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and with God’s help, I did! He is so good.
Breastfeeding can be such a sweet time. That close bonding with all of the cute, tiny noises babies make is wonderful. Our bodies are seriously AMAZING!
I am also very thankful for formula…breastfeeding twins is a challenge and I needed the supplementation. Fed really is best.
Back to the topic at hand, I think having a season end is a good thing. There will be new seasons with new adventures and I don’t want to miss them. It’s time to say goodbye and move onward and upward. The best is yet to come!
Blessings and love for your own journey,
Kristi
Xoxo
The Motherhood Revolution™ 